THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. Ahhh...I see the F-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!!!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, Im an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

OLD AGE

A fellow was invited to an old friend's house for dinner. The host preceded every request to his wife by calling her "honey," "sweetheart," "darling," "my love," etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, the guest remarked how nice it was that he still called his wife those pet names. "To tell you the truth, I forget her name about 10 years ago," his friend replied.

Dead lawyer

A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.
The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, "I know that, I just like hearing it!"

BUSINESS SIGNS

In a Veterinary office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Parking Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers only, all others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." "Don't sleep with a drip."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office: "We can help pick your nose."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."